Forgiveness
such a troubling little thing
people may say it's easy
it may even look easy
is it easy to forgive
someone who robbed you
of self esteem
of self worth
of a will to live
of happiness
how to forgive
a person who took
your life
flipped it upside down
and spat on it
the good book
tells us forgiveness is a must
we have been forgiven
so me must forgive in return
but how do I forgive
a person who made
life hell
I pray about it
and truly hope
one day
I will forgive them
with my whole heart
Although I will never forget
I am who I am
because of that hell
so while I may forgive
it doesn't mean I forget
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
My Other Half-By Susan Thomas
My dear old Aunt Clara always used to tell me to stay out of the locked room in the attic. That nothing but trouble could come from that room. I can hardly be blamed for not listening to her rule. I did resist for many years. I didn't even think of going up there until she passed and I found the key. That child like curiosity was reignited when I found the old rustic antique looking key. There were stories of what was up there, but they were all our imaginings. I wanted to be the first one to find out. I was in no way prepared for what I discovered.
I made my way slowly up the stairs from the first floor. My Aunt Clara lived in an old victorian era house that had been in the family for generations. The house would now pass to either me or my sister. My parents had no interest in an old house, they prefered that cold, uncomfortable modern decor. You know what I speak of. That stale white look with furniture that looks so uncomfortable you wonder why anyone would possibly want to own such a thing. A place you are afraid to touch for fear of making something dirty or hurting yourself. That was my parents style and I hated their modern day condo. I was hoping my sister would pass on the house and I would get it.
As I reached the top of the stairs the floor boards beneath my feet let out a long and loud creak. Surely everyone knew where I was now. I then walked to the end of the hall and pulled down the ceiling door to the attic. I pulled down the ladder and headed up. Despite the entrance my Aunt had fixed up the attic like just another room. She said she liked to go in the attic for her "me" time. Even when she came down with the leukemia that eventually took her life she still insisted on going up to the attic. Who knows how she managed to get up there with the little strength she had. One would think it wasn't possible.
I flipped on the light switch. I had been expecting it to look dark and smell musty like all attics, but it was refreshing to discover that it was nicely decorated like the rest of the house. She had cleverly installed light to make it look like natural light coming in. I then saw it. The old door that had always been forbidden. It stuck out like a sore thumb. It was the only thing that maintained the old attic like look. I sprinted toward it like a tiny child. I hastily shoved the key in and turned it until I heard a click. I then grabbed the old glass door knob and turned it. I gently pushed the door open and could hardly believe what I saw.
I saw myself standing in the only part of the attic that actually looked like the attic. It was barren and had no furniture expect for a few boxes and a small lamp on the floor that was turned on. Although it looked like me it also didn't look like me. It was hard to put my finger on, but the difference was more of a feeling. It seemed darker and cold hearted. The dead look in her eye sent shivers up my spine. Although it looked like me I couldn't believe it really was.
"Hello Sophia. You seem well, " she said in an erie voice.
"Um...hi...who are you," I asked nervously wringing my hands.
"Oh you know me Sophia. Perhaps not well, but I know you very well."
"I certainly don't know you. I think I would remember a previous encounter."
"Oh yes this is the first face to face meeting so to speak, but you know me. I'm that part of you that you like to pretend doesn't exist."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"You know that voice that whispers to you and what it says disturbs you so that you try hard to ignore it. That small voice that thought that Ted Bundy wasn't that bad. The voice that told you murder is just another choice not something morally wrong."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"I'm the one that whispered to you that lies are okay. Even the big ones. That a lie can't hurt anyone."
I stared at her feeling very uncomfortable. I didn't like were this was going. I began to slowly back out of the room only to hear the door slam shut.
"Oh no my dear. No one leaves the room of reflection without admitting their guilt. You are not going any where. You must admit your guilt and embrace who you are."
"What?"
"You need to admit what you have done. Go ahead tell me what you did to your dear old Aunt. I already know. You just have to say it out loud. You can blame me if you want. After all I gave you the idea."
"I don't have to do this. I'm leaving!" I quickly turned around and tried desperatly to try and open the door.
"You can't lie to me. I am you. I am that part of you that you pretend isn't there. Everyone has one. You my dear are more influenced by me than most people are by theirs. Many people know I'm there and tell me no, but you on the other hand. It's so easy to get you to see things my way. Like what you did to your precious Aunt. I should mention she wasn't a saint."
"Fine. I killed her! I admit it, but it wasn't all that bad. She was dying anyway. She was in pain. She even asked me to. She didn't want to deal with the pain!"
"So killing a person is okay if they ask to die. Where is that written? You know that she could have been talked out of it. All you had to tell her was that her pain medication had been replaced by sugar pills by none other than you."
"No."
"She couldn't die fast enough for you. You wanted this house, but you needed her to give you permission first. We both know she has beaten leukemia before. She had a chance, but you sabotaged it and pushed her and manipulated her until she begged to die. The truth is that you are a greedy cold blooded killer!"
"NO!"
"You can't lie to me! I told you to do it. You listened after some pushing. Now I ask you to do one more thing. You need to kill your sister. She wants this house to."
"Okay maybe I'm guilty of what you say. I shouldn't have done it, but I will not kill my sister. She probably won't want this house. She has mom and dad's taste."
"Learning to say no are we? Suddenly developing a back bone to me of all people?"
"I would turn myself in, but I can't let someone else suffer. This room will torment whoever lives here. I desreve the torment. No one else does."
Suddenly the door opened. I began to walk out the door while I still could. As I stepped out and closed the door I heard my other half scream one more thing.
"Your just like your Aunt! I look forward to tormenting you my dear!"
I ran out of the attic and out of the house. I found my sister sitting on the porch. She looked up at me.
"I know you want this house sister. I have to admitt I am fond of it to, but only as a vacation home. Would you do me one favor?"
"Sure." I barely manged to get out.
"When you go on trips let me house sit. I would love it."
"Sure. Just one rule."
"Of course. What is it?"
"Stay out of the locked door in the attic. I made the mistake of going in. Trust me stay out."
"Of course. I never thought of going in. I figure Aunt Clara had her reasons."
I stepped down and wondered into the yard and chose a spot in the sun and sat down. I would enjoy any peace I had before I moved in. Soon I would live in torment, just like Aunt Clara.
I made my way slowly up the stairs from the first floor. My Aunt Clara lived in an old victorian era house that had been in the family for generations. The house would now pass to either me or my sister. My parents had no interest in an old house, they prefered that cold, uncomfortable modern decor. You know what I speak of. That stale white look with furniture that looks so uncomfortable you wonder why anyone would possibly want to own such a thing. A place you are afraid to touch for fear of making something dirty or hurting yourself. That was my parents style and I hated their modern day condo. I was hoping my sister would pass on the house and I would get it.
As I reached the top of the stairs the floor boards beneath my feet let out a long and loud creak. Surely everyone knew where I was now. I then walked to the end of the hall and pulled down the ceiling door to the attic. I pulled down the ladder and headed up. Despite the entrance my Aunt had fixed up the attic like just another room. She said she liked to go in the attic for her "me" time. Even when she came down with the leukemia that eventually took her life she still insisted on going up to the attic. Who knows how she managed to get up there with the little strength she had. One would think it wasn't possible.
I flipped on the light switch. I had been expecting it to look dark and smell musty like all attics, but it was refreshing to discover that it was nicely decorated like the rest of the house. She had cleverly installed light to make it look like natural light coming in. I then saw it. The old door that had always been forbidden. It stuck out like a sore thumb. It was the only thing that maintained the old attic like look. I sprinted toward it like a tiny child. I hastily shoved the key in and turned it until I heard a click. I then grabbed the old glass door knob and turned it. I gently pushed the door open and could hardly believe what I saw.
I saw myself standing in the only part of the attic that actually looked like the attic. It was barren and had no furniture expect for a few boxes and a small lamp on the floor that was turned on. Although it looked like me it also didn't look like me. It was hard to put my finger on, but the difference was more of a feeling. It seemed darker and cold hearted. The dead look in her eye sent shivers up my spine. Although it looked like me I couldn't believe it really was.
"Hello Sophia. You seem well, " she said in an erie voice.
"Um...hi...who are you," I asked nervously wringing my hands.
"Oh you know me Sophia. Perhaps not well, but I know you very well."
"I certainly don't know you. I think I would remember a previous encounter."
"Oh yes this is the first face to face meeting so to speak, but you know me. I'm that part of you that you like to pretend doesn't exist."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"You know that voice that whispers to you and what it says disturbs you so that you try hard to ignore it. That small voice that thought that Ted Bundy wasn't that bad. The voice that told you murder is just another choice not something morally wrong."
"I don't know what you are talking about."
"I'm the one that whispered to you that lies are okay. Even the big ones. That a lie can't hurt anyone."
I stared at her feeling very uncomfortable. I didn't like were this was going. I began to slowly back out of the room only to hear the door slam shut.
"Oh no my dear. No one leaves the room of reflection without admitting their guilt. You are not going any where. You must admit your guilt and embrace who you are."
"What?"
"You need to admit what you have done. Go ahead tell me what you did to your dear old Aunt. I already know. You just have to say it out loud. You can blame me if you want. After all I gave you the idea."
"I don't have to do this. I'm leaving!" I quickly turned around and tried desperatly to try and open the door.
"You can't lie to me. I am you. I am that part of you that you pretend isn't there. Everyone has one. You my dear are more influenced by me than most people are by theirs. Many people know I'm there and tell me no, but you on the other hand. It's so easy to get you to see things my way. Like what you did to your precious Aunt. I should mention she wasn't a saint."
"Fine. I killed her! I admit it, but it wasn't all that bad. She was dying anyway. She was in pain. She even asked me to. She didn't want to deal with the pain!"
"So killing a person is okay if they ask to die. Where is that written? You know that she could have been talked out of it. All you had to tell her was that her pain medication had been replaced by sugar pills by none other than you."
"No."
"She couldn't die fast enough for you. You wanted this house, but you needed her to give you permission first. We both know she has beaten leukemia before. She had a chance, but you sabotaged it and pushed her and manipulated her until she begged to die. The truth is that you are a greedy cold blooded killer!"
"NO!"
"You can't lie to me! I told you to do it. You listened after some pushing. Now I ask you to do one more thing. You need to kill your sister. She wants this house to."
"Okay maybe I'm guilty of what you say. I shouldn't have done it, but I will not kill my sister. She probably won't want this house. She has mom and dad's taste."
"Learning to say no are we? Suddenly developing a back bone to me of all people?"
"I would turn myself in, but I can't let someone else suffer. This room will torment whoever lives here. I desreve the torment. No one else does."
Suddenly the door opened. I began to walk out the door while I still could. As I stepped out and closed the door I heard my other half scream one more thing.
"Your just like your Aunt! I look forward to tormenting you my dear!"
I ran out of the attic and out of the house. I found my sister sitting on the porch. She looked up at me.
"I know you want this house sister. I have to admitt I am fond of it to, but only as a vacation home. Would you do me one favor?"
"Sure." I barely manged to get out.
"When you go on trips let me house sit. I would love it."
"Sure. Just one rule."
"Of course. What is it?"
"Stay out of the locked door in the attic. I made the mistake of going in. Trust me stay out."
"Of course. I never thought of going in. I figure Aunt Clara had her reasons."
I stepped down and wondered into the yard and chose a spot in the sun and sat down. I would enjoy any peace I had before I moved in. Soon I would live in torment, just like Aunt Clara.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Nothing to say-by Susan Thomas
Things to say when you are drawing a blank:
1. Elephants should be purple and have the power to make people disappear when they hunt them.
2. Do you think clowns are enemies or allies with lawn gnomes who's every thought is their next meal of human flesh.
3. Why do men have nipples?
4.Wouldn't it be fun if elevators traveled diagonally instead.
5.Would anyone like flamingos if they were just an ordinary brown?
6.What if when something exploded it wasn't destroyed but transformed into thousands of miniature versions of what you blew up. If that were true wouldn't that make July 4th more interesting?
7.Did God create us on purpose or was it an accident?
8.You aren't one of THOSE people are you? Don't specify what you mean.
9. Why don't they invent a special kind of underwear that makes your farts smell nice?
10.We should travel by bouncing bubble. If would be more fun and good for the environment. Plus accidents wouldn't hurt anyone.
11. What if aliens came here for peace? Would we even know since we tend to shoot first and ask later.
12. I don't think my car likes me. Any advice to change it's mind?
13. Who saw leaves growing out of the ground and thought yummy. I love roughage. By the same token who thought hey I'll kill my friend bambi and eat it.
14. Would you eat me if we were stranded for a long period of time without food?
15. Am I annoying? (repeat every 10 seconds for five minutes.)
1. Elephants should be purple and have the power to make people disappear when they hunt them.
2. Do you think clowns are enemies or allies with lawn gnomes who's every thought is their next meal of human flesh.
3. Why do men have nipples?
4.Wouldn't it be fun if elevators traveled diagonally instead.
5.Would anyone like flamingos if they were just an ordinary brown?
6.What if when something exploded it wasn't destroyed but transformed into thousands of miniature versions of what you blew up. If that were true wouldn't that make July 4th more interesting?
7.Did God create us on purpose or was it an accident?
8.You aren't one of THOSE people are you? Don't specify what you mean.
9. Why don't they invent a special kind of underwear that makes your farts smell nice?
10.We should travel by bouncing bubble. If would be more fun and good for the environment. Plus accidents wouldn't hurt anyone.
11. What if aliens came here for peace? Would we even know since we tend to shoot first and ask later.
12. I don't think my car likes me. Any advice to change it's mind?
13. Who saw leaves growing out of the ground and thought yummy. I love roughage. By the same token who thought hey I'll kill my friend bambi and eat it.
14. Would you eat me if we were stranded for a long period of time without food?
15. Am I annoying? (repeat every 10 seconds for five minutes.)
Monday, March 3, 2014
Eh...Food-By Susan Thomas
as most would say
they like it alot
some eat for joy
some for happiness
bliss can be a reason to
do I eat for joy
no no
I eat to survive
my stomach begins to grumble
I whine in response
food and eating is such a chore
it can be a real bore
in fact wrestling with a boar might be more fun
when that hunger overwhelms
I reluctantly give in
and eat food
but as long as I 'm eating
I may as well eat good food
so give me pizza
give me chocalate
give me
chinese food
give me italian food
but please forget the lima beans
forget the sweet potatoes
anything slimy in texture
anything that feels weird in the mouth
if I am to eat
the least it can be
is somewhat pleasureable
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Untitled-by Susan Thomas
"Shit, dude. You were only supposed to shoot them. I didn't want my parents to die this way. It's a bit harsh."
My friend Barclay gave me a smirk and shrugged his shoulders.
"You wanted them dead, but didn't have the guts to do it yourself. So here I am. I my as well get to enjoy it. Besides they always thought I was trash. They deserved this."
Barclay bent down with his knife in hand he bent down and began to severe my father's head. I watched in horror and felt my stomach begining to slosh around in a dangerous way. I knew I was going to puke. I didn't want to do that here. It would be evidence.
"Do you have to decapitate them?"
Barclay stood up with my father's head in his hand. He looked at me with a dark look in his eyes. He walked over to the window and flung it open.
"This is what you wanted Lane. I am simply giving you what you wanted," he screamed as he flung my father's head out the window.
In a panic I ran over to the window. I couldn't believe I made this plan with such a moron. We were on the tenth floor of an apartment building on one of the busiest streets in the city. I watched as the head fell and hit the pavement with a splat. I then soon heard screams follow and several pedestrians pull out their cell phone.
"What are you crazy! We will never get out of here in time."
He looked at me with a crazy grin and a glare that sent shivers up my spine.
"I have to get caught if my plan is going to work. Lots of people to kill. Men in blue they piss me off."
"What about me?"
He just cracked an evil laugh and began to walk towards me with the knife. I began to panic and scream. Just as he lunged at me I heard a gun go off. I quickly checked myself and saw I wasn't shot. I looked up and saw Barclay fall over with a thump. A nice clean bullet hole in the back of his head. I then noticed the police officer standing at the opposite end of the room. I began to panic. I hadn't heard sirens or heard him break in. What was I going to do?
"Are you alright miss? Is there anyone else in apartment? Are you hurt?"
Wait he didn't suspect me? I had assumed he heard everything. Could I truly be this lucky. I might be able to lie my way out of this. After all he did all the dirty work and any prints of mine could be explained by my living here. I forcefully held back a smile.
"Oh...officer it was awful. He made me watch as he slaughtered my family. Then he was about to kill me the same way when you saved me! Is there any hope for my mom?"
" I just need you to come with me. Let me escort you to safety mam."
"Yes, sir." I said conjuring up some tears and doing my best to act like I was in shock. On the inside I was smiling. They had their killer. I was going to get away with it. Now all I had left to do was track down my sister and kill her to. After all she's the one I hated the most. She left me alone with those abusive bastards. Heck the police might find her for me. Although next time it would have to look like an accident. They would get suspicious if it turned into another blood bath. Next time I would do the deed to make sure it all went right, but it was going to take a lot more research.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Benjamin-by Susan Thomas
So small and sweet
licking his feet
squealing with glee
quite the appetite
tugging tresses of hair
rolling about
chasing the spoon
chewing on a monkey
dancing to a blue monster
with a sweet tooth
snuggling with his blankey
giving wet kisses
and tiny hugs
curly hair
chubby cheeks
full of love
full of smiles
full of laughter
full of fussing
all this
in one little package
for mommy and daddy
to love
raise
and protect
our little one
so precious and sweet.
licking his feetsquealing with glee
quite the appetite
tugging tresses of hair
rolling about
chasing the spoon
chewing on a monkey
dancing to a blue monster
with a sweet tooth
snuggling with his blankey
giving wet kisses
and tiny hugs
curly hair
chubby cheeks
full of love
full of smiles
full of laughter
full of fussing
all this
in one little package
for mommy and daddy
to love
raise
and protect
our little one
so precious and sweet.
Friday, February 28, 2014
To Kill or Not To Kill- By Susan Thomas
It was a bitterly cold winter's day that day. That day that I faced one of the most difficult decisions of my life. You see I was given a gift. God gave me a sort of ticket. He told me I could go back in time to change one event in history, but if I changed my mind I could always come back without changing anything. One historical event stuck out most in my mind. An event in history that was so horrible that some preferred to think that it never happened at all. I of course was thinking of the holocaust.
Sure the stigma that led to the whole thing was probably built up over several years, but would it have gained any traction if they had been robbed of such a strong and charismatic leader? Was it possible that by eliminating Hitler that perhaps the Holocaust could be avoided or was it doomed to happen anyway? Would taking his life not make a difference? Either way I felt I had to give it a shot.
I found myself in Austria on April 20, 1889. I could hear his cries coming from down the hallway of the hospital of which he was born. I don't know how I knew it was him, I just knew. I couldn't explain it. I somehow found myself able to understand the foreign language around me and I somehow wound up there dressed in appropriate attire. I waited for the doctor's to take the baby away while the mother rested and when they came out I carefully followed them to the nursery.
When I was sure the baby was alone I crept in. I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket with the intention of suffocating him. People would probably chalk it up to a baby mysteriously dying in his sleep. I walked over cautiously to where he lay sleeping.
I looked down and he looked so innocent laying in his hospital crib. He looked sweet and kind of cute. This baby had know idea the pain he was to cause so many. His parents didn't suspect the kind of hate their child would carry. They had hopes and dreams for him. Could I really deny them the right to try and raise him right? I just couldn't bring myself to smother him. He was only a baby and hadn't done anything yet. Who was I to judge him and condemn him for something he hadn't even done it. Instead I took a piece of small paper from my pocket and scribbled a note to his parents warning him of what he could become if special care was not taken.
I slept the note in with the baby. I then felt a cool breeze as I began to fade back to my time. For a few moments I saw the past and future at the same time. I saw the doctor walk in and see the paper. He read it and scoffed at it and threw it in the garbage. I tried to stop my return, but my time was up. I had the chance to avoid one of the biggest massacres in history and I wussed out. I felt as if the blood of those innocent people was on my hands now.
I then heard a small voice in the breeze as I fully returned to my time. It told me that I did what was right. It would have been wrong to kill a innocent baby. That the baby was presented with many chances to change and shunned them all. That such a thing happened broke his heart as well, but he gave us free will. He did not have control over the man's actions and he was with his chosen people in those times. He suffered with them and shed tears with them. He never meant for it to happen, but sometimes men choose the devil and turn him away. Although I realized there was never anything I could have done I still felt guilty and always would.
Sure the stigma that led to the whole thing was probably built up over several years, but would it have gained any traction if they had been robbed of such a strong and charismatic leader? Was it possible that by eliminating Hitler that perhaps the Holocaust could be avoided or was it doomed to happen anyway? Would taking his life not make a difference? Either way I felt I had to give it a shot.
I found myself in Austria on April 20, 1889. I could hear his cries coming from down the hallway of the hospital of which he was born. I don't know how I knew it was him, I just knew. I couldn't explain it. I somehow found myself able to understand the foreign language around me and I somehow wound up there dressed in appropriate attire. I waited for the doctor's to take the baby away while the mother rested and when they came out I carefully followed them to the nursery.
When I was sure the baby was alone I crept in. I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket with the intention of suffocating him. People would probably chalk it up to a baby mysteriously dying in his sleep. I walked over cautiously to where he lay sleeping.
I looked down and he looked so innocent laying in his hospital crib. He looked sweet and kind of cute. This baby had know idea the pain he was to cause so many. His parents didn't suspect the kind of hate their child would carry. They had hopes and dreams for him. Could I really deny them the right to try and raise him right? I just couldn't bring myself to smother him. He was only a baby and hadn't done anything yet. Who was I to judge him and condemn him for something he hadn't even done it. Instead I took a piece of small paper from my pocket and scribbled a note to his parents warning him of what he could become if special care was not taken.
I slept the note in with the baby. I then felt a cool breeze as I began to fade back to my time. For a few moments I saw the past and future at the same time. I saw the doctor walk in and see the paper. He read it and scoffed at it and threw it in the garbage. I tried to stop my return, but my time was up. I had the chance to avoid one of the biggest massacres in history and I wussed out. I felt as if the blood of those innocent people was on my hands now.
I then heard a small voice in the breeze as I fully returned to my time. It told me that I did what was right. It would have been wrong to kill a innocent baby. That the baby was presented with many chances to change and shunned them all. That such a thing happened broke his heart as well, but he gave us free will. He did not have control over the man's actions and he was with his chosen people in those times. He suffered with them and shed tears with them. He never meant for it to happen, but sometimes men choose the devil and turn him away. Although I realized there was never anything I could have done I still felt guilty and always would.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)